3 Things Kids wish you knew but don’t know how to tell you.

Before I was a therapist in San Marcos, I was a parent.   At times, as a parent, I struggled. I read parenting books, compared notes with other parents, and tried to learn from mistakes. 

So many challenges.  In the blink of an eye, children go from not wanting to sleep or eat, to sleeping all the time and eating you out of house and home.  You teach them to dress themselves, to read, and so much more.  You try to set a good example.

Yet, over the course of their time in your home, they may need child therapy. Life is imperfect, and there are bumps in the road.  Sometimes kids need some extra support.

It is within the context of being a therapist and dealing with my own share of parent guilt that I share “3 things kids wish you knew but don’t know how to tell you”.  If it’s any consolation, my kids didn’t know how to tell me some things either.

Many kids quietly carry the fear that something could happen to their parents.

Over the years, as a therapist, one of the worst fears kids dare to utter is, “I’m afraid my parents are going to die”.  And since 2020, countless children with healthy, young parents have whispered to me that they fear their parents will get sick and die.

While this may not be every kid’s fear, in the context of my work with kids struggling with anxiety and kids dealing with grief & loss, or a traumatic event, this fear often creeps in. This fear is common among kids struggling with separation anxiety.

While earning hours to become a licensed therapist, I interned with hospice organizations. I worked with bereaved families, where I met many children who were grieving the loss of a parent.  Those children and grieving children I work with now, almost always fear that their surviving parent will also die.

Children experiencing separations for various reasons, like deployment or divorce, fear that something could happen to their parents. Our natural tendency is to tell children, we won’t die or “don’t worry about that”. Children don’t understand probability.

What I find helpful is to be honest. If your child confides in you, explain in an age-appropriate way that people die. Gently tell them, “I will die…someday, and it feels sad, but there will be people who love you that will help you”. Reiterate how they won’t be alone and how they are stronger than they realize.

Kids often notice more than we realize—including the tone and volume of our voices.

Sometimes I ask children in therapy, “If you had a magic wand and could change one thing in your family to be the way you want it to be, what would you change?”

From time to time, a child will sheepishly tell this adult, “I wish my parents would stop yelling”.  For some kids, it is their parents yelling at each other. For other kids, it is their parents yelling at them.  

This isn’t about guilt—it’s about recognizing we’re all human. I’ve lost my cool before, too, and I’ve had to circle back with my kids to repair after those moments.

A child’s perception of “yelling” and what is a serious or stern tone can be a matter of interpretation.  I know some kids are more sensitive, and when parents are having a heated debate, these children will become disturbed by it.

If you’re stressed out and raising your voice has become a habit in your home, you can make a change without a magic wand. Parent coaching or therapy support can help.

Kids wish you knew how much they need your attention.

Kids need attention, most apparent when they are infants and toddlers. Then once they begin playing on their own, it can feel like a relief that your child doesn’t need you as much. And, actually, they don’t need you as much, but they still need you.

Think about a kid’s day.  From the time they wake up until they go to bed, adults are telling them what to do and how to do it. We adults often notice and then point out what a child is doing wrong, with the intention of helping them learn. It can be a lot of negative attention for some kids. Your kids need you to catch them being good. 

I don’t know if anything gets a parent’s attention quicker than one sibling hitting another, and the subsequent crying. One of the causes of siblings fighting is vying for your attention. Any attention. Yelling at them qualifies as attention, unfortunately. 

Sometimes kids get called “attention seeking,” but often what they’re really saying is, “I need connection, and I don’t know how to ask for it”. This can be one of the dynamics increasing the volume at your home.  

Parents need time to themselves, and so limits are appropriate for children who want constant attention.   Without boundaries, kids can struggle to understand that other people have needs, too. Loving limits help them grow into caring, balanced adults. They also reduce frustration in the home.

Recently, a parent asked for my help because her older child was pushing the younger child. When we unpacked this in therapy, the child shared his feelings. They were not feelings of jealousy, but rather feelings of not being as loved as he once was when he was younger.  This child felt hurt and wondered why his mother had turned so much attention away from him. Part of child therapy is helping kids communicate with their parents, asking them for what they need.  

Parents today are ever-increasingly busy.   Providing positive, loving attention to your children is crucial. This is especially true if your children play quietly on their own and don’t usually garner negative attention.

One-on-one time isn’t about being the “perfect parent.” It’s about showing up, even in small ways, so your child knows: You matter. I see you. I love spending time with you.

Complementary Consultation for Parent Coaching from a San Diego Child Therapy specialist.

If you’re looking for parenting support in San Diego or wondering how to strengthen your connection with your child through creativity, therapy, or coaching, know that help is available.  Reach out today to get started.