An Art Therapist shares 3 helpful ways to talk to your kids about their artwork.
It begins in preschool, and sometimes sooner. Your child brings home artwork. It might be a finger painting, a scribble on paper, or something made out of clay. They are often very excited for you to see what they made.
As a San Diego Child Therapy Specialist and Art Therapist parents sometimes ask me how to talk to their kids about their artwork. There are ways we talk to our children in general that can increase their desire to share with us, and we can also diminish that desire. The same holds true about talking to them about their artwork.
The most common question
I’m going to start with the trap. “Do you like it?” This is the common question that children ask adults, especially parents, as they excitedly show you their latest drawing or painting. As parents, we often automatically answer, “Yes, of course, I like it”. “That’s so beautiful!”.
Please hear me, this is not a bad thing to say we like it and it’s beautiful, but I want you to keep the end goal in mind. Creating anything involves a sense of personal agency. Art creation can be an expression of who we are. Children often create pictures of things they like. Just as no two people have the same handwriting, a person’s artwork also is unique to that person.
Picture your adult child asking someone else to “approve” or “disapprove” of who they are and what they like.
With that thought in mind, I want you to consider staying more neutral when your child presents you with something they have made. Allow room for your child to consider what they like about their creation.
While there is nothing wrong with seeking positive reassurance from others, especially from parents, we also want to build a child’s skill to trust their internal sense of value. We want children to be more confident in their ability to make choices, solve problems, express what they like and dislike, and value what they have to offer in the world.
What to say about artwork your child brings home
Often as parents, we are so busy, that it can be hard to manage all the demands. It can be difficult to slow down and just really be with our children and connect. When your child holds up something they have made, and asks you, “Do you like it?” it’s an invitation. Your child is making a bid for a connection with you. Even more than wanting you to see their picture, and approve of what they made, they want you to see them. Really see them.
Here are 3 ways to talk to your child about their artwork that will help you connect.
1) Be curious about art created in Art Therapy and at school.
Remember to listen attentively as they tell you about what they created. Really look at the picture and your child, and convey you are fully present and interested. This is more powerful than any comment you can make about their artistic skills.
Wow, look at what you made!
Would you like to tell me about what you made? Drew? Painted?
What would you like me to know about your picture?
Thank you for sharing your picture!
2) Reflect back on what they tell you about what they created
After you encourage them to talk about what they made, you can reflect back to them what they tell you or even what they ask. If they ask if you like their drawing, you can reflect back something like:
You are wondering if I like the picture you made.
I am wondering what you like about your picture.
I’m curious about your drawing. What do you think about it?
What part do you like best?
I want you to encourage them to approve of their artwork, rather than create/express themselves in ways to please others. The more your child “approves” of themselves and what they have to say, how they express themselves, the stronger sense of self or identity they will develop.
3) Notice the effort more than the outcome
Sometimes it’s easy to look at your child’s artistic creation and not really think much of it because it appears they applied little effort, or it really doesn’t look like anything recognizable. In those cases, try to focus on what you can observe about their picture.
It looks like you drew this picture with a pencil and markers.
This is a big picture, and you filled the space with lots of colors!
I would love to hear the story that goes with this picture.
Can you tell me about this part of the picture where you used green and blue?
Sometimes children create art that is “copied” from something else, either they traced something at home, or a school project involving a guided drawing lesson. View copying as a tool to learn a skill. It is similar to how when you learn to play an instrument, you practice or “copy” the notes someone else composed. If your child likes to “copy” other pictures, view it as them practicing drawing skills, rather than not being creative or artistic.
It looks like you put a lot of work into this picture.
Can you tell me how you made this drawing?
What NOT to say about artwork your child brings home
There are also a few things that make it harder for our children to share about their artwork.
We make a bad guess about what they created.
Is it a cat or a bunny rabbit? Sometimes a child who is particularly sensitive to criticism will assume that they drew poorly if you don’t immediately recognize what they drew. This has certainly happened to me. Sometimes it can be really difficult to identify what a child drew. Instead of making a bad guess, try asking about something you don’t have to guess about. Try simply describing what you can recognize like the colors used, the materials chosen, the energy applied, etc.
I see lots of detail and lots of different colors.
It looks like you drew this picture with crayons
Point to a part of the picture and ask, ‘How did you draw this part’?
Tell me about what you made
We make judgments, and comparisons, or give empty, over-the-top praise
Sometimes, adults comment too quickly without really thinking how a comment might be shaming, or critical and hinder a child from wanting to express themselves. I suggest avoiding the following:
That isn’t very good.
What’s that supposed to be?
Your brother is really good at drawing.
Are you sure it’s a drawing of a horse? It looks more like a cow.
This looks messy.
It doesn’t look like you spent very much time on this.
This is the best drawing I’ve ever seen!
Art is not like math. There is not a right answer and a wrong answer. Art has many shades of grey. There may be a method to use a particular material, but the outcome is not a fixed answer.
Is there anything different I should say or do about art made in Art Therapy?
Artwork created at school is often created based on a curriculum intended to meet certain education standards. Art created in therapy is created in the context of a relationship with a mental health professional and the intent is to facilitate a goal in therapy, like processing a traumatic event or grieving a loss.
It’s also common for families to hang up children’s school artwork in their homes. This is another distinct difference between artwork from school and art made in therapy. Art made in therapy is often about really difficult things. Hanging up this artwork could be like hanging up a transcript of your therapy session for your family and friends.
Art created in therapy often contains themes or images that clients cannot talk about, and do not want to share with others. Art made in art therapy may illustrate a client’s fears, deep sadness, shame, or anger. Sometimes the images are so difficult, that clients choose to either leave their artwork with their therapist or destroy the artwork after it’s been processed. They want to let it go, not display it for all to see.
So how do you talk to your child, when they do choose to bring their artwork home from therapy?
I think it’s still important to be curious, but probably best to not probe for answers. I often encourage children to speak to their parents about their artwork, but this doesn’t mean they will. Conversely, some children want to show their artwork right after the session and tell parents all about it in the waiting area. I encourage parents to gently acknowledge a child’s desire to share and tell them how they can’t wait to get home, where they can talk about it. This also keeps the private nature of Art Therapy private.
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